Since we were young we had this habit of driving down Highway 60 almost every night we were together. It is a long, narrow road with water on both sides connecting Tampa with Clearwater. We would roll down the windows, turn the music up and enjoy the peaceful moment of just being together, hands held outside the car with the windows down. Years after those nights I'd often change my route to make sure I traveled over this road, rolled down the windows and thought about Richard.
Sunday evening we left a family get together and Richard grabbed my keys, refusing to answer my questions of where we were going. Before I know it we are driving down Highway 60, windows down and David Gray playing through the speakers. Only this time I have one hand out the window and the other holding Richard's.
He suddenly stopped the car alongside the busy road, told me to get out of the car and got down on both knees, holding my hands. "I love you so much. I love you with everything inside me. I never want to spend a moment without you," poured from his mouth. "Will you marry me?"
I didn't even notice the perfect ring between his two fingers as I fell to both knees to hug him tightly. Of course I said yes, and for the first time put on the ring that turns all of our possibilities into reality.
Then we realized we were on the side of the road in the dark and might die so we hightailed it to a beach area on the other side of the road. We spread out blankets and held each other just talking about our excitement.
First, one thing for dear Katy:
Richard's Love Story
My girlfriend story? Oh where to begin, there was this one girl- forgot her name, then another girl, and someone else, and blah, blah, blah. Oh- you asked for my LOVE story? Well, now thats a whole different story...
Since I've met her, and up to this very day; she has never failed in stealing a split-second of breath from me every time our eyes have met. What is it to feel every negative aspect of your life drop off your shoulders and shatter at your feet? What is it like when the woman you have been needing for so long wraps her arms around you, looks into your eyes and sweetly declares: "I'm yours," and you forget your own name? What does it feel like to caress the entire world with your fingertips?
My love story with Ashley Sickles began when I was 17 years old... and it will never end.
I was out with my friends one night, when we decided to try out a new local coffee shop, The Beanery. The moment I walked in the door, despite all the commotion, the lights, paint colors, crazy decorations, the live band, all the talking and shouting- she was the first and only thing my brain could focuse on at that moment. She stood behind the counter with the most beautiful hair and smile to greet my friends and I. Scrambling, I to try and think of ways I can prolong a conversation, so I come up with the excuse of not knowing what is good or what I like, the drinks I like at Starbucks, but I was very careful to assure her that after I tried whatever she decided to make me, that I wouldn't know what Starbucks even was. To this day I cannot remember what that drink tasted like, nor weather it was even hot or cold. But she made it for me. Today I still wonder if she knows how many times I had shown up there by myself, just to realize she wasn't.... must have been well over two-dozen times. One day, I showed up The Beanery was no more and it broke my heart. Through mutual friends, we were eventually united again. I remember that group night when we went bowling. She loved to hassle me. I'd go as far as saying she lived for it, in our moments. She handled my sarcasm, shot it back with avengence, and never let up. No one has ever been capable of doing this without my anger, frustration, and embarrassment being shot back at them. She always made me smile. This was the night my heart took hold of her and the roots of what I feel today were planted in: complete respect and unconditional friendship.
At this point of my life, I had just been cheated on and dumped by my first "true love." I was on a warpath. I was going to date as much as I could and hurt anyone I could- including myself. This curse lasted almost 3 years. Ashley was my rock during this time, weither she knew it or not. She was always my #1. No matter what girl I was with that week, if she wanted to roll the windows down and drive down Hwy 60- I was there. If I was with someone and that person got jealous that I was hanging out with Ashley, then the relationship with that girl was very soon ended. Living this way long enough was exhausting. My emotions took me over one night and I knew I could not keep living my life this way. I couldn't sleep, I was at a very un-healthy level of depression, and I felt like I was drowning. I was done.
I was about to turn 20 years old.I re-evaluated my life. I started going to church again. I was putting myself back on the tracks. I knew what I wanted to be. One night, I put deep thought of the man I wanted to be and the woman I wanted for a wife, everything kept coming down to Ashley. I was scared. Scared of losing the most incredible friend I have ever had. I knew I wanted so much more than that with her- but I wasnt ready to tell her just yet. I needed more time.
One night I ran into Ashley at Starbucks.She had a 'friend' with her. I was not impressed with this guy, to say the very least, but she had a smile on her face which meant I would keep my lips shut. I will never ruin that smile, not as long as my heart is beating. So I backed off. Way off. I went back to the girl who had 'treated me the best out of the rest' and started limiting communication with Ashley. There in this hole, I waited. Time seems to have it's own plans and with it comes it's own demons.
Two years pass.She's still with him. I'm still with her. My mind settles on, "Well, it is what it is." Moving to North Carolina, was to get away from it. Run, Richard, run! Trying to settle down and get engaged, "yeah, that'll work" I convinced myself, and a week later, my demons knock once again. To look into a girl's eyes and wish you were looking at someone else- that is the most heart wrenching feeling I could wish upon anyone. She always hid it well, but deep down, my fiance' knew who I really wanted, but she was just as much of a coward as me when it came to leaving. Fighting got worse, the words got harder, pretty soon we grew numb to any and every word we could yell at each other, and silence became the best argument. Ashley and I talked ocassionally through Facebook and IM- always appropriate, but always ended with "could have's" and what we should have done. Either way, I had been emotionally dead in my current relationship. How many nights will I keep staying up just to think about her?
A year passes.Ashley is single. My heart drops and my entire body feels numb. Chills. But wait- I'm engaged, just bought a house, I have bills... I feel helpless. Over the course of months I cringe when I see shes dating. To hear about it, to see photos, to know that the boys that shes talking about, the boys that she goes out with and here I sit in shame, passing out dating advice, always making sure I gave advice that would ultimately make her second guess the relationship she was in :)
Six months of this.I hit rock bottom in my happiness. I end my engagement. I feel like a monster, but a weight is lifted. I decide I'm not going to die without telling Ashley everything I feel for her. The first chance I get- I let it out and refuse to let myself leave out anything for her to have to guess on.
Three weeks later.I'm splashing water on my face from the airport water fountain. I keep pacing nervously throughout the airport lobby while I feel every security guard's eyes watching me. I don't care- I'm about to smell the hair of the love of my life in less than 5 minutes- try and arrest me! I hear the woman on the intercom announce her flight has landed. I make my way as close as I can and off to the side so I can see her first. I start shaking. I stuggle to keep my eyes from tearing up and I lock my knees so I don't fall. I'm ready.
The angel walks around the corner.
She dosen't see me yet and I'm not going to wave- I want this moment for me. Seconds later, our eyes lock... her ears go up and her nose crinkles as she smiles. Remember to breathe. "Hi." That's all either of us could say. I wrapped my arms around her so tight and kept wiping tears from my eyes. My hands tremble as I hold the back of her head- I feel her... I inhale her. I don't remember walking back to the truck, or much of the ride back home. I recall adjusting the mirror so I could see her eyes.
We are IN love.The rest of the day is just two smiles walking around. Words are unacceptable to the beautiful silence, and the relationship we've always had is so superior to simple small talk. Ashley is in MY house! For so long, this woman has been the alpha-standard for who I want to be my wife, and here she is not willing to break eye contact with me for a second. We have been talking about the first kiss for weeks, and for a few hours, we'll come close, but always pull away. Further proving to me we're just as together as we've always been and will never stop teasing eachother. This would have been close enough to heaven for me in this lifetime, but in one of those moments, we can't help but make contact. So, we kiss. Ashley and I have a bond and passion between us that is beyond any that I had ever thought could exist between any two people. From this moment on, Norah Jones decides to speak for us, as our love completely and entirely overflows into one another.
Ashley is my best friend, my future wife, my un-born child's mother, and the gravestone next to mine.
Seven years after.